The Deathmatch
Once more, the arena of gore and smuggery becomes the final resting place
of many strong and proud contestants (and more than a few weak and shameful ones)...
It nearly didn't happen at all: the Deathmatch was accidentally left out of the
programme, then put in when we spotted the error, then taken out again because
the slot we'd put it in clashed with something else. It then got moved around so
much that we decided to drop it entirely. But as luck, fate and providence would
have it, one of the scheduled panels was cancelled at the last minute, and the
Deathmatch nipped in to take its place.
Anyway, as you may recall, con members were asked to nominate up to five contestants
- real or fictional - for our Deathmatch. The nominations came in thick and
slow at first, but picked up towards the end, with over a hundred and fifty
names put into our equivalent of the goblet of fire.
The computer selected the sixty-four most popular of these names...
Of all the characters in the contest, only one was present in person, the living legend that
is Cardinal Cox, surely one of the nicest, friendliest people who ever lived. As the crowd
began baying for blood, we wondered how this mild-mannered man could possibly survive
against the likes of Tank Girl, Satan and Bucky O'Hare...
One thing's for sure, though: next time - if there is a next time - the contest will
be fought between fewer combatants. Sixty-four is just too many to cover in the space
of a single convention panel. Thirty-two would be a better number, I think... (They have to
be powers of two, you see).
The names of the contestants were placed into the legendary Hat of Wool
and randomly drawn out in pairs, with the attendees present arguing for or
against one or the other (or, occasionally, both). A show of hands was taken
to determine the winner, thus spurring some rapid counting from your humble
gamesmaster.
There were some nice surprises in this first round; such as Timmy beating the crap out of
Cthulhu, and the drawing of Mother Theresa against Catwoman. Also, your humble gamesmaster
was surprised to learn that those plasticine firemen are actually called Pugh, Pugh,
Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb. I always thought that the first one was "Hugh".
Apparently they're brothers. How come Barney McGrew is the only one who gets his full name
read out, though? I mean, what makes him so special?
For most of these battles, the outcome was pretty clear, though one or two did require
actual counting by the gamesmaster (which is a lot harder than it looks, mainly because
some people - not that I'm naming any names, Angela McGovern - thought it would be
funny to confuse me by using both arms...)
It looked like the cartoon characters were going to win all of their battles until,
at the end, Catwoman disembowelled Bucky O'Hare and left him on our doorstep.
A pity that Cardinal Cox and Simo didn't win their battles; I'd have enjoyed seeing
how well they fared against each other!
It's also a pity that we didn't get to see Fireman Sam going up against his long-time
rivals Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub.
This round was really unsettling: of the eight matches, the first
seven were won by the second name drawn. What are the chances of that happening?
Luckily, we were spared a cosmic conspiracy when Bagpuss managed to out-slumber
Mr Presley.
Sadly, Timmy (I mean, "Timmmmmmayyyyyy!") - who received by far the loudest cheer
when his name was first announced - lost out to Bender. I'm certain that if he'd
been drawn against someone else, he'd have gone a lot further in the contest.
Thank you, Ripley, for ripping the fluff out of that blasted floppy pink cat! Though I would
have liked to see Bagpuss square off against Catwoman. Either they'd have torn the crap out
of each other or they'd have mated...
Oops! Your humble and incompetent gamesmaster made a bit of a blunder
in this round, accidentally putting a loser's name in the winning pile! Luckily
the audience were more awake and spotted the error (can't be entirely sure that
the same error didn't happen once or twice before, though... This is what comes of
having a crap assistant).
And so the battle for the position of Ultimate Champion of the Universe Forever And Ever
was fought between the unkillable xenophobe Ellen Ripley and the unloveable humophobe Bender.
This was no real surprise to me, because Bender received more nominations than anyone
else (except Simo, but that was because someone who shall remain nameless gave all five of her
votes to Simo).
Bender walks away - or, well, limps away - with the the grand prize: a lifetime's supply of life and time!
My thanks to all those who nominated, and all those who appeared in person to vote
for their favourites.
Extra special thanks to my lovely assistant, me, for all his hard work and for the loan of the
woolly hat.
So with two Deathmatches under our belt, we now have two winners: Dangermouse and Bender.
Only another sixty-two Deathmatches to go before we can have one of those "all-winners"
battles. At one battle every eighteen months, that should be some time around the year 2090.
See you there!
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