Convention Rules
A note from the Chairman: Apologies for the lack of actual convention rules on the previous page. As you could no doubt tell, the guy we'd hired to write them was having some problems. If you ask me, it was all that medication he was on. We didn't know about that when we signed him up, of course. We only found out when he locked himself in the toilet for three hours and insisted that he couldn't come out because he was "only a likkle bunny."

Anyway, we fired him. Unfortunately, for legal reasons we had to leave his "Convention Rules" page in; there was something about "contracts", and "respecting the wishes of the widow" and all that. I'm not sure, I wasn't at the meeting where that was decided. The reason I wasn't there was because I still haven't actually moved to Ireland yet. It was supposed to have happened by now, but there's been some trouble with the new job I was going to. Apparently it wasn't as finalised as I'd been led to believe.

Okay, I'll be honest. There wasn't a problem with the job. The truth is that my other half didn't want to move to Ireland. She said she did at first, but when she realised that Ireland wasn't a little town in Oregon she got cold feet. That is, she's always had cold feet – I mean that she got metaphorical cold feet to match her actual feet. I did my best to persuade her to come along, but she resisted so much that in the end I just told her, "Fine! If that's the way you want it, I don't think there's much point in us being together at all!" She said that suited her, and that her mother had been right about me all along, which wasn't really fair because I've never been allowed to meet her mother so I have no idea what she'd said about me.

Still, I'm a man of the world and there are plenty more fish to fry in the sea. They don't call me "Bill the Ladies Man" for nothing, you know! I decided it was time to renew my relationship with my old flame Sandy. I told her that I'd parted ways with the old ball-and-chain, I was moving to Ireland, and that I'd realised that we had been perfect for each other and we never should have broken up and I wanted her to come with me.

Of course, I had to tell her this very loudly through a megaphone, because of the same dumb "not within two hundred yards" ruling that's made our relationship so difficult for the past eight years.

I've always believed there's nothing more persuasive than someone telling you that they love you with all their heart, and I have to say that Sandy was very moved by my passionate plea: she told her minders to "get rid of that guy", rather than her usual "beat the living crap out of him", so even though she's probably not going to accompany me to Ireland, at least I'm making progress of a sort.

Damn! We're at the bottom of the page again! Sorry about that. I promise that the convention rules really will be on the next page.

  • The Convention Rules (this time we really mean it)